WRITTEN BY CHRIS WINTERBOTTOM

I did not know what to expect from this monstrosity. On paper it seemed an interesting idea, with a cast so huge (in terms of numbers and star quality), it was hard not to become even remotely intrigued by what this movie had to offer. Not to mention the long list of directors, which is as close to a joke as this film gets. If I’m being honest, I have neither the will nor determination to describe the deplorable plot for ‘Movie 43‘, so I have literally copied the following from IMDB: “A series of interconnected short films follows a washed-up producer as he pitches insane story lines, featuring some of the biggest stars in Hollywood”. I urge you to resist all temptation, just read this review, believe what I say and then forget the film ever existed. 

To call this movie “bad” would be a huge compliment. ‘Norbit’ was terrible; but it may as well be ‘Citizen Kane’ in comparison to this utter tripe. The film begins with Hugh Jackman on a date with Kate Winslet where the “joke” is that he has a hefty pair of bollocks hanging from his neck. I do not understand this film. I do not understand how anyone, especially the talented actors who appear in the film, thought any of this was a good idea. The film starts out failing and deteriorates from there. It is a mish-mash of bad ideas that clearly originate from some idiot students who fancy themselves as comedians, and through some kind of cosmic anomaly, end up with Oscar winners in their film.

I have had many conversations with friends about how awful this movie is; for me it is the worst film ever made and I do not say this lightly. But no one is really able to grasp how terrible ‘Movie 43’ really is. I was and still am, regularly confronted with “it can’t be that bad” from those to whom I speak. This had me thinking. It is true that it is incredibly difficult to describe how bad this movie is. Three years at university studying English and Film, and I still cannot think of a way of actually describing the extent of the film‘s terribleness. I suppose it is comparable to explaining how big the universe is to someone. It really is difficult to comprehend the magnitude of how monumentally awful ‘Movie 43’ is; you really have to experience this to understand and appreciate what I am saying.

Not that I want anyone to watch this film; I really, really don’t. I don’t want the film to make any more money than it has done already, and I also don’t want people to be subjected to the nausea, depression, regret, bemusement and complete and utter outrage I experienced.

There is one scene in particular, which involves Chloe Grace Moretz’s character getting her first period, that is so offensive and in bad taste, it actually made my skin crawl. I’m sure this scene is MEANT to satirise men’s attitudes towards women – in the same way Iraq were MEANT to have weapons of mass destruction. Regardless, the scene is so unfunny, all you’ll have left in your engine is the tiny vein of hope in knowing the film will be over soon. But it goes on and on. And on. Forever. At least it felt that way. I sometimes quietly bring the film up in conversation but more often than not, the people I speak to have not seen, or in some cases, heard of it. This gives me a quiet sense of pleasure in knowing that, even in this day and age of low expectations, crap will always be flushed away. On the occasion I do speak to someone who has seen it, we don’t converse in detail but merely nod to each other; the same way war veterans do in acknowledgement of their bravery and mutual respect for each other.

I said this is the worst film I have ever seen and I wholeheartedly meant it. To label it a comedy is a travesty to be honest. Do not underestimate my negativity to this film, nor the mind numbing terribleness of this complete and utter catastrophe. I am aware there are worse things to experience in life than watching a bad movie; you only have to watch the recent news headlines to know that. But a film has to be a special kind of terrible to make you glad you are not experiencing something truly horrendous. You have been warned.

Rating: 0/10


DIRECTOR(S): ELIZABETH BANKS, STEVEN BRILL, STEVE CARR, RUSTY CUNDIEFF, JAMES DUFFY, GRIFFIN DUNNE, PETER FARRELLY, PATRIK FORSBERG, WILL GRAHAM, JAMES GUNN, BRETT RATNER, JONATHAN VAN TULLEKEN (YEAH, SERIOUSLY)
STARRING: EMMA STONE, STEPHEN MERCHANT, RICHARD GERE, LIEV SCHREIBER, DENNIS QUAID, HUGH JACKMAN, KATE WINSLET